I wonder what it says of me that I can't remember so much of my childhood. I often wonder abou this when I can't sleep. Was it really that bad, or was it simply that there was nothing to remember? The bits I do remember I think are only there because I've seen the tapes. Everything that I clearly remember was taped. The rest comes in bits and pieces. I have two memories of my youngest brother. In one he was drinking a soda. In the other he was being a complete prick. I don't remember why. I remember my father beating me once, and locking me in the closet. I suppose that may have happened more than once, in fact I'd bet on it, but I only remember the one incident.
Once, I remember looking out the window as I fell asleep. And I remember that my teddy bear scared me so much that I had to have it thrown out.
I remember watching Ghostbusters at the nursery. Not the one made popular by the movies, but a much older and stranger series. In fact, as I think about it, I remember more television than I do life. Some kid at that nursery stole my favorite toy, I also remember.
Those are the only things I can remember from before I started school.
I remember a few days of kindergarten. That wasn't so bad. We played with toys and took naps, but I could never sleep. I would lay awake and watch the door. I don't remember why.
The next few years blur. I remember failing a timed math test because I couln't stop sneezing, and I remember taking an IQ test. (I later learned they thought I was retarded, but because of the IQ test I was put in the gifted program instead.)
I vividly remember the beatings. Every day, from some time in second grade until some time in junior high when I finally caught one of those little fuckers alone and put him in the hospital.
I thought I might have killed him, but I later learned that he'd just transferred.
I was disappointed.
I remember much more from high school. That wasn't so bad. Most of the kids were afraid of me after that incident, and the rest respected me for standing up. In retrospect, I realize that probably shaped the way I deal with people today.
Because I had no other children to play with growing up, I read, watched television, and played videogames. Once we got internet access I got into my share of trouble on there, as well. I don't think the internet affected me as much as some would argue, though. I remember having sexual fantasies long before, as early as third or fourth grade.
In the 11'th grade, I had my first girlfriend, of a sort. I had a car, and she wanted a ride to the parish fair. She insinuated that the would reward me for the trouble in a distinctly carnal manner. In the end, though, we talked until late into the night, and started dating. Carnality came into the picture soon after, but not on the first date, at least.
She got pregnant, and miscarried, and dumped me nine months later for a guy in his twenties. She was 15 or 16, I don't remember. I later found out that her stepfather had set this up as a way to get me out of his way.
I dated a few other people, briefly, but my next real girlfriend came after I left high school. She was a product of a broken, abusive home, and never sure of what she wanted. We fought alot, and I regret still the way I handled her. I realize now that she couln't really help the way she was, and that I should have been more understanding.
After working for a while in the private sector, I went to college. The first couple of years were wonderful, though recently I find myself struggling again to work up the will to go. C'est la burnout.
Though I don't really think that's the whole of the matter. My second year of college I met my third girlfriend. As before, I had been through short relationships, but nothing lasting.
Third girlfriend marked a major turning point for the worse. She was both physically and mentally abusive, and by the time I realized just how dangerous she was, she had me locked down with no way out of the relationship. We would fight from the time she woke up to the time she went to sleep, leaving me with cuts and bruises, and no way to fight back. (I never could hit a woman.) When I would try to have her arrested, she would threaten to file rape charges, etcetera, etcetera. I eventually managed to pawn her off on an old boyfriend, and changed the locks.
I havn't been right since. I feel very sorry for the girl I'm with now, as she may never get to experience me as I should be.
Sometimes, especially when I can't sleep, I sit up and think that I am broken. Times like that I am the closest to suicidal I have been since grade school.
Of course, I've left alot out. Some because I simply forget with it being late, and some because I'm not comfortable airing it in this form.
So, I go off to celebrate Independance Day. Maybe that'll take my mind off it for a few days.
Elation
Joy
